The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.
The following were some winning entries: 1.  Coffee (n.), A person who is coughed upon.

2.  Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3.  Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4.  Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5.  Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6.  Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your  nightgown.

7.  Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8.  Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9.  Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10.  Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11.  Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.paper.

12.  Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a proctologist immediately before he  examines you.

13.  Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14.  Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

15.  Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die,your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

16.  Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

TOP 20 OXYMORONS

20.  Found missing

19.  Genuine imitation
18.  Good grief
17.  Same difference
16.  Almost exactly
15.  Alone together
14.  Living dead
13.  Military Intelligence
12.  Childproof
11.  Synthetic natural gas
10.  Passive aggression
 9.  Peace force
 8.  Extinct Life
 7.  Plastic glasses
 6.  Tight slacks
 5.  Definite maybe
 4.  Pretty ugly
 3.  Working vacation

 2.  Exact estimate

And the Number one top OXYMORON:

1. Microsoft Works

be sure. BRAMSHAW